Life is not meant to be thought, its meant to be lived

my final yearbook submission, I want to have it as memory for the rest of my life, so I can look back to it. So whenever I forget my theories, this can remind me.

'Life is not meant to be thought, its meant to be lived.'

For these past five years, I think to see what I learned,

No knowledge comes, only life lessons, which weren’t easy to learn,

Which engineered my journey,

A journey, that changed me from a boy to a man.
And now when I look around me all I see is my seven greatest friends,

Each taught me something, which I must comprehend,

One taught me how to never give up being creative,

The other taught me the real meaning of Beatles,

The third, was like a brother in battle, a man who’s sorrows I shared,

But the fourth, was a true brother, a true guru to us all,

And then there was the elderly, who gave us captain orders,

While the smallest guitarist, was to continue our fake legacy,

And then there was this in heaven, which taught me the greatest lesson,

To live life without fear everyday.

the human dream

the dream of a true human,
the mountain with the white wind and the sun beyond the end,
the droplets making their final decent of journey on you,
the thunder showing its mysterious shape and unpredictability,
the river valley far beyond your swim,
the trees waving with their calm drums,
the fatherly ocean showing it's vastness,
the fruit of life contributed by every living creature,
all making the melody of nature,
I only wish this melody is heard in my dream.

Just came to me

they said heaven came with its clear sky and un paralled beauty,
they said there would be no worries once I am done over here,
they said my mind would be free and my soul would live on,
but then I closed my eyes, let the air gush through my body,
put aside my worries and saw the clear beautiful sky above me,
'but what if I was happy right now', what use would heaven serve me then.

one day at a time

sometimes, you just need to take 1 day at a time.

so this what i'm gng to tomm. get up, finish 452 documentation, look at my offers and go swim.
and during all this, plz dnt flirt.

Nindiya

this one is mostly a day dream which I had, used characters from my own life to populate this fiction.
*this is a purely fictitious work. DO NOT BLAME ME* 

The sister called the five friends, telling them that he might only have a week left to live. Ankit was detected with cancer in the mid of December. He had flown back for treatment and it was the beginning of january. three kemo-therapies and countless medicines later he was only left with one week. The sister which was more like a mother, wanted him to see his college best-ties one last time. she wanted him to have one last dinner with them and a last tequila shot, without caring about tomorrow.
The sister called the eldest, ankur and asked him to come over to India, she even agreed to pay the tickets for all of them. She even invited his last crush Jasmine and her friend over. Meanwhile to motivate them she took a picture of him and there other brother, jeff, the dog. She captioned it 'one makes me love life everyday and the other shows me how to fight it everyday'.
The seven rahul, ankur, ayush, manmeet, nihar, jasmine and shareefa arrived at the airport 2 days later. She picked them up from the airport and took them home. It was late night and the father was taking the dogs to visit ankit late in the night. This was the only time when ankit smiled without thinking about what was coming for him. Jeff and chester(the neighbors saint bernard) welcomed the guests and as usual jeff sniffed all of them. They went inside the house and settled down, they were to visit him tomm.
The next morning, the sister kept the cake which she was making him cut every morning and asked all the friends to buckle up. The nurse was rejuvenated to see all the friends and recognized all of them without them introducing themselves. Ankit talked to everyone about everything, he was an open kid who wanted to live the last moments to the fullest. Nurses adored him. They entered the room and as usual the boy was sleeping without his shirt on. They waited for him to open his eyes and as soon as he did, the words were 'wow'. They had the best laugh for the next few hours, they talked about everything. Caught up with how the pot heads were doing. Discussed about university, life in general and how everyone was looking forward to convocation.
They took off for dinner soon, only with a warning from the nurse to return within half an hour and to not drink any alcohol, her job was on the line. Ankit agreed. But in the brisk moment he had his own moment with jasmine, where he told her how much he liked her. He knew it wasn't going to go anywhere but he wanted to spit that out of his system before it was too late. The dinner was a classy college get together, no one could stop talking and then there were the tequila golgappas. Ankit took one, I mean he wasnt going to have a last get together without tequila in his system.
They went back to see the jeff and chester waiting for them in the hospital garden, it was already late. both parents were there too, and the mom invited the girls to come over and pray with her in the mosque(jama masjid) tomm. The mom was a muslim and so were the girls.
The next morning the girls and the mom got up early to go for the prayers. The prayer at 6 was one of the most enlightening experience for one of them. She kept it as one her memories to tell her grand children. The mother also took them to the hanuman mandir, the prayer had to come from both her and her husband, so she prayed on his behalf in the temple. And then she distributed food to the needy, the girls helped her out and loved it all. She got some of those kachaudi's with poori's for there breakfast.
The alarm clock, jeff, went up to wake all of them up. Which was followed by a heavy breakfast. And then one final visit to the hospital. The sister was driving them again. The boy was expecting all of them this time. He hugged all of them and told them to have a tequila shot in the convocation ceremony from his side. He took a moment with jasmine and kissed her one last good bye. The moment was emotional, only a teardrop to explain it perfectly.
Two weeks later the sister called ankur, only to tell him that he had left them 2 hours ago. They all came over to the desi house. Shareefa gave the news to Jasmine, she was in the library. She couldnt stop crying until she had hugged all the five friends. The friends wanted to go to india one more time, but they knew that the body would be cremated even before they reach.
The sister sent out one final gift to all the friends and posted two famous pictures.
One where jeff was right next to the bed, with a photo above the bed of him and ankit sleeping together, when they were really small. The photo had jeff sitting beside the bed not on it and it was captioned, 'he misses you the most, doesn't sleep on it anymore without you.'
the second photo, was in an album which she had titled, 'his last moments', the last photo of the album was from the cremation ground in haridwar, right next to the river. It was a picture of the burning fire and it was captioned, 'he always wanted to lay next to the water'.

The gifts were a silver mouth organ for each one of his friends, every one of it had a message from him, and his name written in very small letters on the top.
For ankur,  in the front it said, to uncle, at the back, aap hamesha aashirwaad de deite rahiyega, always give your blessings to everyone.
nihar, front- niharika, back, u were the best brother.
rahul, front-chutku, back, phd.masters. rahul udasi, may u write a paper which changes the world.
manmeet- front- maggu back- the creative head
ayush front- gupta rani back- take care of everyone
shareefa front-shareefa back- hope love finds you
jasmine front- jaz back-listen to the music around you, I will always be there.

The rhyme

So when I saw death during the beginning of this term, I couldn't sleep for the next 2-3 days. Just didn't happen. On the 3rd day, I had a dream, which I later wrote down in the form of a poem. It helped me for the next few weeks and still helps me sometimes.


When i closed my eyes, an angel came to me,
never had she visited before,
she stroked my hair and said,
life is not what you think it is, rather it is, what you understand out of it,
death is not a sad end, rather is a memory of how you have lived,
so for you to know me and be with me,
remember the smile which was always there,
and cherish every moment to come,
for I will meet you on the other side where you and I will begin again.

disney the fantasy-which wasn't

probably my first post this term, but life has been busy teaching me lessons so can't complain.
I'm confused whether should i talk about the things which have been happening in my life or the things which have been been going in my head for the past few hours. although i think both are inter-linked so i'll talk about both.
So I saw things which made me realize the importance of life, it made me realize how my life is no different than everyone else. I saw my friend commit suicide, I saw her parents loose all sense of happiness and hope and I saw her sisters soul loose all sense of childhood. I saw a family being ripped apart forever, as saw myself experiencing emotions which I never thought I had. But after seeing deaths of two friends in less than 8 months, I got up and told myself there is too much in life to live for. I got up everyday and saw the epic rope swing, the remember to breathe add and the flying without wings to remind me how a true smile looked, how happiness changed everyone's life. Now all what I tell myself everyday is that their is too much in life to experience, too much in mother nature to see and learn from. There is too much my father, water, has to offer, for me too experience. I need to learn it myself before I can barely even tell anyone about it.
And there is this girl who i lately met, shareefa. She had this spark. A pleasant, smothering spark of life. It's hard to explain, she had experienced something but all she needed was the beauty of life to show her the way, for that spark in her eye to actually light up. But today she told me that she was getting married in May. I wasn't shocked when I heard it, I was just sad. I don't know where my sadness came from, was it my in-ability to tell her that both of us were looking for the same thing, breath defying beauty of life, life without fear and only happiness. Or was it my conscious which was telling me that she knows she's taking a wrong decision, stop her before it becomes too late for her to realize it. I don't know some times only lyrics are good enough to sum it up, 'jo bhi mei kehna chahu, barbaad kare alfaaz mere.'

Stack the Stock

Apart from having a wonderful stock investment time in the past few weeks, life has been pretty hectic.

TRYING to manage a URA, pretty desperately. But I think I should give it up now, I'm not really doing much justice to it now.

Also, I think I'm going to stop drinking now and completely concentrate on building a better body, since I know I will be on study term for the next 8 months....blurrrrpp.....(time to chug tequila..lol)..

dnt know

I don't know how to express this or how to begin, so i'm going to start from where I think is the right place. 3 out of the 5 marks are out and from the looks of it i might just fail the term. If i do, i would have run out of options.
I had faith but right now it seems lost. Looking back, I don't know what to say to myself, I worked very hard after mid-terms, i was pretty un-stable before them. But that doesn't mean I did not try to do well before.
I am confused, I know I can not ask for more money, and I know I will be too shattered to continue, and I don't know if I have any hope left to continue.
I want this post to be their for me, for me to look at myself, if I survive.

Forever Young

past few weeks have not been that pleasant. But i think writing this to you, will give a closure to all these problems. Even though things don't look to get better before 25th June, but i think, it's not the date which pre-empts my thoughts but rather my thoughts and the creativeness which i will display in this upcoming week that will change things.

I miss the giant and feel sorry for him. Things never really turn out to be how u thing they will, and because of which i sit hear listening to forever young, the last song which was played at the giants funeral. But then I think if ever i will make a change in this world and would being young forever or living forever would change anything.

And then i look at such pictures, and remind my self what i wanted to do and why i wanted to change India. And why i have a dream and why i wish to full fill it.

It's 7 a.m. havent had any sleep & this is what i feel like doing

the last stv class & 'the man who panted trees'

some might say that social technology a.k.a STV 100 is boring, some might say it's all about writing essay's, some might say its just one of those courses on the list, I'll definitely agree to that albeit i'll put forward the notion that it is probably one course which I have really and truly found interesting till the very end. It's amazing how 2 words such as social & technology can related to each other so much that you can give 10-15 lectures on it and the interdependence between the 2 allows you to relate to topics which you think about almost everyday. So much said, I think some of the documentaries shown in this course where Fant-bu-lous. One them which I would certainly want to remm. for the rest of my life is,' the man who planted trees'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2a4ti6uLMg
it not only truly defines progress but also somewhat showed me one of the true reasons of human existence, why worshiping and running after god wasn't required when godlike character's existed within us. I think i would like to keep this as a memory for the rest of my life.

The walk

this is my first post since i entered 2B and to sum up things, its not been fun at all. Things have just not turned out the way i wanted them to be. I'm jobless at this point, depressed to quite an extent and quite sure that i'm failing at least one of the 5 midterms i wrote, the number could increase too. But todays walk made me realize quite a lot of things, which probably where really important to realize.
On my left was kenan and my right some brown guy who's name i don't know. But this brown guy has failed a term and has brains as much as me, i'm quite certain about that. So we were walking back from the 222 tutorial and i was blabbering about how I had failed to get a job in the first round .We went on talking about courses and how harder was rushing through the 204 course. I told then that my current situation was not that great and i might end up failing. The brown guy looked at me and said don't think about that. It's real not a good idea to fail, he went on saying how emotionally and psychologically challenged you become once you fail. He told me that he had failed by 0.8% and it wasn't really the greatest time of his life. I kind of agree to that, I remm. how i felt in 1B and how i had promised myself to never give up. Suddenly his small 2 lines of speech made me want and the eagerness to pass all over again. I hope this stays. And I find a job soon enough, I really don't want to spend time giving interviews and killing my time table with something which so irrelevant. I think the next few weeks are go'no test my management skill to the extreme. I must give it my best and imagine everyday to be a new war which i must win.
"failure is not an option"

basic things which u like when u go high

so basically baat aisi hai ki ji,
i'll be reading this when i'm not high, compared to when i'm high.

So what up blog, fees so good to do things which are sometimes amazing.

the last turn

June 22nd, 2004.Talkatora Stadium, New Delhi.

I was wearing a white t-shit with orange colored shoulders, standing in front of lane 6. I had the 3rd best time in the 100m breast stroke trails. I knew the final race would take all that I had within myself.
For last one year I had been training with Ray, my swimming coach, for that very moment. He was now sitting in the stands eating peanuts. He was the first person who had taught me how to channelize my anger so elegantly, so beautifully. The water had taught me one very big lesson, silence was the greatest pleasure man could every get. The water took all my anger every day and when I was tired after the 2-4 hour work-out, it always talked to me, telling me to keep moving, to keep learning.
The first whistle was blown, I climbed up on the start podium. I made my blood rush, made it reach all parts, made it as passionate as I could & then took a deep breath. Let everything freeze,
let the memories flash in my head and opened my ears wide for that single gun shot.
14s into the race I was going strong, building up so much anger in my body so that I could finish the race, I was going too fast.
As soon as I reached the 50m, I turned but took more time to glide than ever before. The guy in lane 5 had just made the turn, all his back-water just made it impossible for me to glide. I struggled. I pulled as hard as I could, every last breath was making my body ache. My body was screaming, but my anger at my own self was growing. The anger seeing the guy next to me going a second ahead of me, made me push harder & harder. But then, I stopped, it was done, I had lost by 0.03 seconds.
I got out of the water, looked at ray, and never said good-bye.

Since ,then I've never allowed that anger to surface ever again. I've always thought there is a better way to resolve things than letting anger decide your destiny.

But then sometimes I feel that there is a need to fight, need to allow that anger to burn, let that anger accomplish my destiny.

The Dream --I just wanted this to be a memory-- thats why i'm posting it..

I have this dream which I can right about only while i close my eyes and type in this mystified fashion, but it has to be done, if i want to tell you about it .

I see this boy reaching for the edge of top of my house. This edge is between my house and my neighbor's house. Till now i've been able to decipher each detail of the dream, except for the emotions on the face of the person in the dream. .I sometimes see my face but then i wake up and convince my self that it's not me.

The person goes to the edge of the roof and them breaths, breaths all the air his lungs can absorb. He lets everything flow through his head, all emotions all feelings and then turns his back and falls. falls freely, without caring about the world , without caring what the world thinks about him, without caring about anything. he makes one summer-salt and then he puts his feet towards the ground and just when his toe touches the ground , the ground rises like a peak, the peak shaped ground lifts him up in the air again, but the peak only touches his toe, while balancing him like a balllet dancer. And then the wind blows and far in the pacific ocean, the water swirls up and rises up in a vague manner , it's almost like a water cyclone, it rises and stretches out and reaches the person, near the house. but it only touches the tip of his finger, it touches him as if transferring all the energy of the water through his fingers, and then the wind swirls up too, as if the element wants and feels it's obligation to follow the others. It swirls and touches the left hand of the person. Then the sun feels his need to follow and sends a heat wave or a solar swirl all the way, which reaches the earth and makes his obligations and connects with the person and makes the person to open his mouth and the person breaths it, it's an inspirational scene a perceptional mating of the four elements. far beyond the imagination of human kind. And then it's as if a connection is made. A meaning, an aim of existence is found.

poetic life of un-answered questions

so life is so poetic that it's hard to explain sometimes.

But sometimes you just end up asking so philosophical and poetic questions to yourself that it's hard to feel satisfied with your life.
One question which has bothered me forever, whenever i've gone philosophical is "What is the aim of human existence?" - i know it's a simple question but very complicated in terms of my perspective. And whoever who gives an answer such as survival and self happiness, is according to me the biggest dumb ass born on this planet. I believe their have been approximately a hundred billion humans born who have existed on this planet and surely their must have been some who would have thought about what I'm thinking. And probably they did achieve this answer but never shared it with the rest of the human existence. But the most intriguing thing is that, no religion no teaching has ever answered this question in the right manner. (Funny ain't it!)

But most of the mad questions come up to me, when I sit among people who are aged between 30-50 and then I see them doing things which probably are known as common work, job or celebration. For eg. to elaborate on this, i remember, the day when I was sitting in the hall where shuchi didi's wedding was going on and I was looking at bade mamaji and asking myself, how can he be happy? why is he happy? Is he happy for for what he has achieved in his life? because I was pretty sure he had not achieved much, so I was trying to understand his happiness, probably it was for his daughter, probably it was only for all the people who were up showing up for an event he had hosted. But it was really hard for me to define it, define the one simply question which everyone in that room could see and feel,"defining the reason for happiness?"
Some other situations are when I see small babies, I ask myself, why are we just breeding without a reason? I ask myself how exactly are we even a bit different from a virus?

And specially if i see they parents of the baby, then the most unusual question which pops up is, if the parent does not know the reason or the aim of this baby, then why cause his existence?
just for self happiness? so basically producing babies is like satisfying your own greed of happiness?

Another case is when I meet people who are working in offices. It's not their working or the type of work they do, which bothers me but the amount of time they invest is what bothers me. Specially after spending time in epson canada, i've learned that their exist human beings who do not work like humans but monotonous dogs. well, i've met people who have been developing software for over 25 years of their life. Although they are pretty genius and I do not doubt the way they write codes, but what bothers me is how can you dedicate so much time to just one activity? I know you like it, but isn't it usual for humans to hate things which are repeatedly fed to them? probably they just do it for their families. But then why have an existence where your own worth is not valued?

So their are many questions to be answered than to be lived.

but for now i'll head back home to do my pdeng assignment.

confused!

pata nahi yaar, aaj blog sai baat karne ki jaroorat lag rahi hai, fir sai. I want this moment to stay in my life long diary a.k.a blog.
Aaj bahut confused hu mai, and even want to write this whole blog in hindi mostly because i beleive that confusion is more profoundly expressed and interpreted in Hindi. right now i'm listening to the ek mohabat(taj anthem), ghar ki bhi yaad aa rahi hai. But aaj apsooas ho raha hai, ki mere mid-terms ache nahi hue hai, specially economics, jissme i'm sure to fail. par usse bhi badi problem hai ki i'm not able to decide ki wheather i should go into the second job posting and wait for a good job or just take the currently available ottawa job. I feel really bad that I didn't even get an offer and only got ranked from a studpid cloackware firm in ottawa. I really put in all what i had for some of the interveiws, specially for the RIM interveiws, but not even a rank seriously up sets me. My parents on the other hand as usualy want me to do the opposite, they want me to take the ottawa job and then concentrate on my finals, which i do understand in a way but i feel some-how i can get a better job. What i fail to understand is that is it frustation anger or emotions which make me think like this, which mostly is caused by devasheesh's three offers and his ability to finish the eco parper 15 min earlier than the assigned the time.
I need real guidance from you blog, I seriously want to take the risk but don't know if it will result me in failing 1B. Sometimes i really fail to understand my boundaries, i today is one of those tadays... I guess....

what do i know about my self

i don't know why i have written the titale as what i have written but i have just written it,, so don't ask..
this is first post after reaching the university and also my first blog after i got my macbook. So first and foremost "WINDOWS SUCKS,MICROSOFT IS COW"S AND BULL"S SHIT ( combined) into nth power of nth, " BILL GATES IS A COPY cat, cheater and ya
STEVE JOB ROCKS!"
well to sum up my lfe today university rock's, university life sucks, and doing assignments without actually copying them from u'r friends assignments sucks big-time, i mean BIG time....
anyways today i'm blogging because i'm sad. i know i need to study maths 115-so called row echlon form of reduction and gauss's elimination theorum for solving matrices and so on... but i'm just sitting on floor and lissing to songs...
( and i guess i just realized, while writting this, that i'm writting this blog because i think i want this to remm. it for the rest of my life,,i don't know why,,probably becuase ambitious people love to paste emotional posters on their wall's,,for god knows what reason, but i think it's true)
i called up d.g. today i know it was six in the morning their time but i gues that is the usual time when the world speaks truth..
so i spent first few minutes makng d.g. realize that it wa me which was not which something which happens quite often.
then came the truth from d.g. which i don't know when but i guess i only remm. those word's. she said that mujhe delhi aur apne friends ki yaad nahi aati, i'm busy doing my assignments and she tell me it happens that u get busy with u'r life when u reach a university. i kind of knew this fact even beofer she actually said but a practical man like me failed to understand the practicallity on these words.
i don't know why i am so ambitious about my life and why i left india and thought that i can achieve things voer here and help the people who i saw everyday at the chirag delhi red light begging and half the population of india which sleeps homeless and without food everyday.
i don't know how i'm ever go'no succced in my mission or whether it is going to happen ever or not. i don't know if all those predictions made by pandits are true or not, or whether i will be a successful man or not,, but i know that i chose this becuase "I" felt that this was the right way which i wanted to follow.
although i knew that i would be hard for me to keep up with shreya once i reach canada and it would be impossible for me to tell her actually what and how i thought about her becuase i knew that it was never go'no happen that way.
but i thought never thought that she would say such things so soon. well, i guess probably that is what and how it happens to a man who is ambitious.
I don't know whether i'm making any sense in this post or whether it would be worth reading again in my life but i just wanted to write this today. becuase this lamp which i am writting this post under is giving me enough light to write and this song from "rock on" is motivating me enough is motivating me enough to do it, probably yes that is the reason or probably not.
well, i just miss jeff and Bruno a lot..
i just want to hold them in my elbows and squeez them and flick of their hair's from my hands...
get well soon jeff,, and ya bruno i want to kiss u one more time.. please wait for me...and forgive me if u can....
and ya i to make sense in the end i will pos the first photo of my macbook,,,
presenting the macbook box: what did u think i would paste a photo of my macbook,,are u crazy!

happy day blow- off's

so today on my birthday i've decided to write something rather unusual. on everyone's birthday their's something or the other which they either screw up or they hate the thing like hell. so i bring forward my 18 years of disastrous situations on a birthday.
1)starting with this year '08- my muasi calls me up on 2nd may and wishes me birthday.
i have exams on both 4th and 5th, how shit can that be.
AND THIS LINE WILL BE FILLED LATER WHEN THE DAY FINISHES.
2)may 3 , 07' - a sad b'day. no party.. only a small cake. no friends. no gifts either.
3)may 3, '06 - i spend the day in a old age home.return back home tired.
small party but dad comes late at night, and yes he forget to say happy b'day.
4) may 3, '05 - i'm in uttaranchal(uttarkhand) i enter badrinath at exactly the
same time when i was born.(this actually was good, the sad part comes now). the place has real sad hotel's. so no cake and dal chawal and sabji for dinner.
5)may 3 ,04' - good day at school. party in nirula's.got gifts. so basically overall good b'day.
6)may 3, '03 -my dad is asked to go and pick up the cake
. he wrote my sisters name instead of mine on the cake.
as in the cake spelled "HAPPY B'DAY AKANKSHA" instead of u know what.no great dinner and sad presents, as in clothes and cash.
7)may 3, '02 -sad day again. a stupid present and not that great cake either.
6)may 3, '01 -----------------------------------------------forgot


the rest of them i dnt remm.