poetic life of un-answered questions

so life is so poetic that it's hard to explain sometimes.

But sometimes you just end up asking so philosophical and poetic questions to yourself that it's hard to feel satisfied with your life.
One question which has bothered me forever, whenever i've gone philosophical is "What is the aim of human existence?" - i know it's a simple question but very complicated in terms of my perspective. And whoever who gives an answer such as survival and self happiness, is according to me the biggest dumb ass born on this planet. I believe their have been approximately a hundred billion humans born who have existed on this planet and surely their must have been some who would have thought about what I'm thinking. And probably they did achieve this answer but never shared it with the rest of the human existence. But the most intriguing thing is that, no religion no teaching has ever answered this question in the right manner. (Funny ain't it!)

But most of the mad questions come up to me, when I sit among people who are aged between 30-50 and then I see them doing things which probably are known as common work, job or celebration. For eg. to elaborate on this, i remember, the day when I was sitting in the hall where shuchi didi's wedding was going on and I was looking at bade mamaji and asking myself, how can he be happy? why is he happy? Is he happy for for what he has achieved in his life? because I was pretty sure he had not achieved much, so I was trying to understand his happiness, probably it was for his daughter, probably it was only for all the people who were up showing up for an event he had hosted. But it was really hard for me to define it, define the one simply question which everyone in that room could see and feel,"defining the reason for happiness?"
Some other situations are when I see small babies, I ask myself, why are we just breeding without a reason? I ask myself how exactly are we even a bit different from a virus?

And specially if i see they parents of the baby, then the most unusual question which pops up is, if the parent does not know the reason or the aim of this baby, then why cause his existence?
just for self happiness? so basically producing babies is like satisfying your own greed of happiness?

Another case is when I meet people who are working in offices. It's not their working or the type of work they do, which bothers me but the amount of time they invest is what bothers me. Specially after spending time in epson canada, i've learned that their exist human beings who do not work like humans but monotonous dogs. well, i've met people who have been developing software for over 25 years of their life. Although they are pretty genius and I do not doubt the way they write codes, but what bothers me is how can you dedicate so much time to just one activity? I know you like it, but isn't it usual for humans to hate things which are repeatedly fed to them? probably they just do it for their families. But then why have an existence where your own worth is not valued?

So their are many questions to be answered than to be lived.

but for now i'll head back home to do my pdeng assignment.

confused!

pata nahi yaar, aaj blog sai baat karne ki jaroorat lag rahi hai, fir sai. I want this moment to stay in my life long diary a.k.a blog.
Aaj bahut confused hu mai, and even want to write this whole blog in hindi mostly because i beleive that confusion is more profoundly expressed and interpreted in Hindi. right now i'm listening to the ek mohabat(taj anthem), ghar ki bhi yaad aa rahi hai. But aaj apsooas ho raha hai, ki mere mid-terms ache nahi hue hai, specially economics, jissme i'm sure to fail. par usse bhi badi problem hai ki i'm not able to decide ki wheather i should go into the second job posting and wait for a good job or just take the currently available ottawa job. I feel really bad that I didn't even get an offer and only got ranked from a studpid cloackware firm in ottawa. I really put in all what i had for some of the interveiws, specially for the RIM interveiws, but not even a rank seriously up sets me. My parents on the other hand as usualy want me to do the opposite, they want me to take the ottawa job and then concentrate on my finals, which i do understand in a way but i feel some-how i can get a better job. What i fail to understand is that is it frustation anger or emotions which make me think like this, which mostly is caused by devasheesh's three offers and his ability to finish the eco parper 15 min earlier than the assigned the time.
I need real guidance from you blog, I seriously want to take the risk but don't know if it will result me in failing 1B. Sometimes i really fail to understand my boundaries, i today is one of those tadays... I guess....

what do i know about my self

i don't know why i have written the titale as what i have written but i have just written it,, so don't ask..
this is first post after reaching the university and also my first blog after i got my macbook. So first and foremost "WINDOWS SUCKS,MICROSOFT IS COW"S AND BULL"S SHIT ( combined) into nth power of nth, " BILL GATES IS A COPY cat, cheater and ya
STEVE JOB ROCKS!"
well to sum up my lfe today university rock's, university life sucks, and doing assignments without actually copying them from u'r friends assignments sucks big-time, i mean BIG time....
anyways today i'm blogging because i'm sad. i know i need to study maths 115-so called row echlon form of reduction and gauss's elimination theorum for solving matrices and so on... but i'm just sitting on floor and lissing to songs...
( and i guess i just realized, while writting this, that i'm writting this blog because i think i want this to remm. it for the rest of my life,,i don't know why,,probably becuase ambitious people love to paste emotional posters on their wall's,,for god knows what reason, but i think it's true)
i called up d.g. today i know it was six in the morning their time but i gues that is the usual time when the world speaks truth..
so i spent first few minutes makng d.g. realize that it wa me which was not which something which happens quite often.
then came the truth from d.g. which i don't know when but i guess i only remm. those word's. she said that mujhe delhi aur apne friends ki yaad nahi aati, i'm busy doing my assignments and she tell me it happens that u get busy with u'r life when u reach a university. i kind of knew this fact even beofer she actually said but a practical man like me failed to understand the practicallity on these words.
i don't know why i am so ambitious about my life and why i left india and thought that i can achieve things voer here and help the people who i saw everyday at the chirag delhi red light begging and half the population of india which sleeps homeless and without food everyday.
i don't know how i'm ever go'no succced in my mission or whether it is going to happen ever or not. i don't know if all those predictions made by pandits are true or not, or whether i will be a successful man or not,, but i know that i chose this becuase "I" felt that this was the right way which i wanted to follow.
although i knew that i would be hard for me to keep up with shreya once i reach canada and it would be impossible for me to tell her actually what and how i thought about her becuase i knew that it was never go'no happen that way.
but i thought never thought that she would say such things so soon. well, i guess probably that is what and how it happens to a man who is ambitious.
I don't know whether i'm making any sense in this post or whether it would be worth reading again in my life but i just wanted to write this today. becuase this lamp which i am writting this post under is giving me enough light to write and this song from "rock on" is motivating me enough is motivating me enough to do it, probably yes that is the reason or probably not.
well, i just miss jeff and Bruno a lot..
i just want to hold them in my elbows and squeez them and flick of their hair's from my hands...
get well soon jeff,, and ya bruno i want to kiss u one more time.. please wait for me...and forgive me if u can....
and ya i to make sense in the end i will pos the first photo of my macbook,,,
presenting the macbook box: what did u think i would paste a photo of my macbook,,are u crazy!

happy day blow- off's

so today on my birthday i've decided to write something rather unusual. on everyone's birthday their's something or the other which they either screw up or they hate the thing like hell. so i bring forward my 18 years of disastrous situations on a birthday.
1)starting with this year '08- my muasi calls me up on 2nd may and wishes me birthday.
i have exams on both 4th and 5th, how shit can that be.
AND THIS LINE WILL BE FILLED LATER WHEN THE DAY FINISHES.
2)may 3 , 07' - a sad b'day. no party.. only a small cake. no friends. no gifts either.
3)may 3, '06 - i spend the day in a old age home.return back home tired.
small party but dad comes late at night, and yes he forget to say happy b'day.
4) may 3, '05 - i'm in uttaranchal(uttarkhand) i enter badrinath at exactly the
same time when i was born.(this actually was good, the sad part comes now). the place has real sad hotel's. so no cake and dal chawal and sabji for dinner.
5)may 3 ,04' - good day at school. party in nirula's.got gifts. so basically overall good b'day.
6)may 3, '03 -my dad is asked to go and pick up the cake
. he wrote my sisters name instead of mine on the cake.
as in the cake spelled "HAPPY B'DAY AKANKSHA" instead of u know what.no great dinner and sad presents, as in clothes and cash.
7)may 3, '02 -sad day again. a stupid present and not that great cake either.
6)may 3, '01 -----------------------------------------------forgot


the rest of them i dnt remm.

DIFFERENCE

at this stage of life when you dont have much time left to make decisions and change the actions which you have already done. i sit alone and wonder something different. and amazing i come up with a conclusion, that their are three types of people in this world
1) people who really dont care about the world or themselves. they just live for minor or intermediate satisfaction, as in they live for things like sex, drugs or just some thing very minor.
2)people who like to live the way in which the rest of the world is living. somewhat most of the indian parents who just want their kids to be engineer's or doctors' from iit or aiims. they are the one's who just feel safe in a heard, they never believe in changing the system or becoming above it they just believe in living in it.
3) the one's who are unique. as in the people who the world calls as fools. these are people who don't think in the way the world wants them to think but think in a way the rest of the world fails to think. i really don't know where you find them.
i'm speaking of all this bec'z today i was caught up in a very unusual situation.
while going for a usual jog in the nursery i pass through a place known as asian market. morever the market is no more a place to wander as u have a pretty big liquor shop , so these days u just find drunk people wandering all about the place.
so while i was walking past this place i saw two flat people( as in totally drunk,"TALLI") people lying on the ground near the bus stand and one of them was bleeding from his mouth and the other had pee'ed in his pants. this place has two bus stops, as in one is the old one and the new improved one. so as these 2 where lying in the new bus stop the rest of the public was standing on the old bus sop ignoring the two. first when i saw them, i was shocked as one of them was bleeding from his mouth and the rest of the world didn't even bother to turn their head around and see them.
i went close to the person who was bleeding and holding my breath checked his pulse. and trust me i was shocked when i didn't find any. and by this time a driver of DTC who had just stopped his empty DTC bus next to the stop came upto me and asked whether the man was alive. i said in a shivering tone "mujhe nahi lagta". i asked him if he had a phone
and luckily he did. i dailed 100 and told them about the situation and the unconscious(or probably dead) man. i was too scared to check the other one's pulse. it was about 6:45 when i had called the police. and then immediately i asked the bus driver if he had water. he didn't, so we together managed to stop a car and ask for water. by this time we had managed to gather SOME attention of the public of the people standing on the adjacent bus stop. i poured a little drops of water on the first man, i didn't work. no pulse yet. i dropped the whole water, his finger moved. finally he was alive. it was 7:10, by now. no clue of the police or the ambulance, anywhere. we got some more water and moved the man, as in turned his over. still no one came forward except for me and the bus driver. the man finally open his eyes, what was blabbering which had to happen as he was extremely drunk. i went on to the second man and he was breathing. we poured some water and he reacted.by this time i had already given a second call to the police and th ambulance. but no sign of them. it was 7:30 by now. me and the driver waited ten more minutes, till approx. 7:45. but in the end gave up as no police wan had appeared but then the men were still breathing.
i went on to jog and tried to figure out what had just happened. imagine a scenario where police turns up after an hour from when you had called it or just does not turn up at all. i mean some people had no value of their life, as in the world just does not seem to care. i know they were drunk but for god sake they were humans. but at least their i had found one unique person like the dtc bus driver who had come forward and helped them. their was the one who i thought belonged to the third category and was UNIQUE.

my 17 years of life

today i wanted to write all what i've done in these 17 years. i don't know why but probably because school life is coming to end.so i 've decided to write everything in the form of a poem or whatever u may call it.

so my life began in this nursery class,
with three special friends and a girl,
me,s and h.
i was crazy but intelligent kid back then,
never giving up and strongest among all was the moto,
life was at it's best, maggi in lunch and nothing to learn.
and here was where i met my first love,
her scintillating eyes i never forget them,
and her being my best friend was another best part of it
i still remember the early days, where i was standing behind a tent
and was seeing only her and nothing else.
with music all around, i kissed her.

then came the 5th class where the wizard showed
me new ways. i lion never understood courage.
the first love was no more there and the best friends
were no more to talk to any more.
but i loved the days of karan me and arjun hanging out,
explaining the not to fascinating truths of life to each other,
from what fuck meant to symbols which probably
we were to young to use.

then came sixth. one class i'll always remm,
the summer where i learnt who i was,
i wasn't what the mirror showed me ,i
was all alone , and all that anger and rage i generated,
i puked it all while i was in water,
while using every part of my body i ran on water
and studied like my father.
and life went on, with changing friends and no more
love for girls and, with new discoveries came one,
of my mcdonald friend going out with my first love,
i thought of nothing new.

i made new friends d.g. being one of them,
and went to parties where i just sat in corner's with only d.g.
to talk to, but life sucked.
them came class 8th where i saw friends coming to me,
and then came sanskrit classes. i hated them
but i wasn't alone. there were many..
but soon the classes become violin classes i sat
at the last benches with karan and looking at that beautiful
girl, never was anything more beautiful.
but with every +ive charge came a negative one,
she was studious and although sanskrit classes
where full of them but exceptions like me always existed,
she asked and i listened the questions but finding answers was
tough you see.
then came those days when proposals where in fashion,
i did one, but studies were important to some,
first steps where taken without any to follow.
i was broken and decided that shells have beautiful colours than the beautiful sky.
and then best friends like R drifted. i met vampires like deepika
tried to shut up, but she never let you do that too.
then their was FTC another of those tuition surroundings,
but motivation was what i found underneath it all.
i saw the photo's hanging on the walls and wanted to be one of them,
and i did it.

then their where accomplishments to make,
mun i heard a lot about it and seen it too.
so exun and mun came but each had their own
sufferings to give.
one never understood who i was and what i wanted to give it,
the other i did win but also ran away from it.
i experienced many changes and discovered
that a 80 g.b. hardisk and DVD could also be used in different ways.
so by the end i made trips to a fantasy world.
where i puked out my darkest secrets
but probably people who i thought as, partner's ,
are meant to stab you when you least expect them.
so i gathered myself and was still fascinated
with the beautiful girl when she passed by me.
pianos never stop do they.

then came those days when d.g. thought i was not being myself,
i i agreed i tried to get back, i tried. but was never ever able to leave what i had started
but then i made my best friend, where bunking was the key and the solution
which was respected.
i never looked back and thought over, but then everything came back,
all scribbled on my shirt, even those who i never thought would.
and now i sit and write about everything and hope
the piano someday turns into a violin and i discover
who i am.

my bet!!

finally i'm blogging again...

anyways life has being quite interesting these days,with the exams coming up and a quite a lot of things happening i don't know how the future of everything i'm doing would look but i hope that it's good.
well i've taken hindi commitee, and as expected some reacted with a eyuuuu!!! and some said i love u anku , but i know that whatever i've done is right. i want to help the people who are going to lead india and not the ones who are go'no just deprive india of it's assets and forget abt it...

and in the mean time there were things like teachers day video, which was an awesome experience except for the ending of it, which i'm not willing to talk abt. then there was e-lite which i'm not willing to talk abt either. well most of the events of exun are know being shadowed by an undeserving and an unwanted character. i already knew that this was go'no come bec'z it's becoming like indian politics where a person who has no knowledge abt avaition is actually made the avaition minister and so on...

but finally my bet for INMUN is ready. i'm ready to bet on the people who are going to win in INUM, so all those who are going here are the names,,
rohan & the twin( sorry forgot her name)

yup and don't expect them to get the overall trophy bec'z if it does happen then it'll be a mistake.......

independece with a suprice for me !!

well on Tuesday night i was celebrating my moms birthday, but then after 11 p.m. i went back to my room and lay down for abt half an hour after which i began writing my last 7 pages of linux hacking . finally after 9 months and 18 days,,,,i have now finished my book.. 312 word pages thats the count and i don't think i can write anymore...

but now i need a title and a publisher.. at three in the night i was thinking abt the titles, i thought lets keep it as NYNO but that would be pritty shit +its not what i initailly wanted .so i'm open to titles. and this time i'm going to see my comments( so hemantika u can comment) ..
+
i need editors some real good ones, first i thought lets go to schona she'll edit it + i get a good impression on her but then i thought how would she even understand all this. then i thought lets get it edited by fadia, so i wrote a mail to him, but no reply yet( although it's just the morning).so i'm looking for editors also. someone told me the publishers sometimes find the editors on their own, i have no clue abt this procedure so i was thinking abt contacting aanyas dad, heard he's a writer.but anyways the point is i have finally finished it!!!!
And ya the irony is i finished it on independence day( 2:30 in the morning) pretty cool na...

P.S. : happy independence DAY

kalam leaves

probably the best politician or the best president i've seen in my whole life is mr.kalam. he's one man who deserved to be the president and he is the only one who should be honored as one. after hitler their are very few people whom i have respected and one of them on that list is Dr.kalam. why do i say so? well hear this, this is some thing i just got to know from the news channels, while being the president of India he was once visited by the people of his village. around 10 to 12 of them. mr.kalam during their whole visit did not use the governments money even once. the office of rashtrapti bhawan was asked to maintain the budget, and mr, kalam paid all the spendings from his pocket. he moved out of the presidents house with half the things he had got. Imagine a president doing this. plus, he doesn't even get a house of an ex-president. he stays in the house of an army officer, how disrespectful is that..
not just these things but the ability to speak against what is wrong is what makes me honor him. he sent the office of profit bill back, which was the most offend able bill passed by any party, he declined to sign it, and thats exactly what makes him so deserving. not only this but during his 5 year session, i wrote the president 3 letters in all, and guess what, i got a reply for all. i think he is the best man this country can ever have,,,
and i salute him...

s-slut

well yesterday i had my first mun stay back , it was pretty much shit, not bec'z i was seeing blank faces which weren't a good view to see, but bec'z the powers wested in the hands of the wrong people. well somewhere in my mind i know that my school is pritty shit, everyone arnd me plays politics and although it's not going to help them in the long run but i feel bad abt it. the deserving people don't get the right appointments and the non deserving do. but as i know a lot of people have been viewing my blog lately, i won't be saying much abt it. anyways, lets talk abt the stay back, miss sanjana or rather i may put it as miss. whore is a complete shit, she tries to explain the rules and procedures in 10 min and that also while she's reading everything from a copy which is pretty much shit. the whore even called her so called ex- boyfriend to the judge the people. how dumb??
anyways lets just exclude the whore part over here and talk abt the stay back, in all it was a complete shit,, half of the people had no clue abt the rules and rest half were sleeping. i guess till now the person who has being able to explain the rules in the best possible way is kartik, all the rst have been just jerks..what else?? i guess thats enough for the day , i need to go for tuitions now. and ya organic is one thing which can fuck u'r ass pretty hard. chao chao!!!

the ankstein theory

today a day which will probably be preached by me as a day almost close to death is one in which u get all u'r papers',u claim to do mun( which includes getting weird looks from hemantika and aanya) although u don't do the stupid stay back and u even try to save u'r self from getting run over by a bike....
but amidst all this u form one theory which probably is one situation in my life where everything around me froze, i mean everything ,, as if i had discovered the true meaning of living.,,,,,,so here i present to u my great theory.......
" i had rs.50 in my pocket, which was more than enough for me to take an auto from my tuitions to my house,but today was different, i wanted to take a bus. i was so depressed that i didn't even notice that it was 6 and i would be experiencing a full packed bus where sweat is the only thing u will be able to smell, but i was ignorant today.
i went to the bus stop and then waited waited.. and then came the moment,where i compared everything around me to my life,, i had the money but i thought to take a bus( the hard path which i had choosen), i knew i could have just taken the auto(stanford) but it was too easy, i had to do nothing plus the ride would be great. no pains no sorrows,, but i preferred to take the bus(dcE) i knew i would need patience,probably i would have to wait longer than i had imagined.
And the bus came and right behind it was an empty auto, but today i choose the bus. as it came near the bus stop everyone wanted to get into it, i meant everyone( from VMC regulars, to people who had done everything one there own) .
As i got in i realized the sweat i had thought abt was not smelly, i was hanging on a rod and i knew i had to hold it tight to just stay there( i will have to do hardwork) , but today it felt better than the scooter ride, it was like knowing that i could survive in the hardest situations.
and then came my stop, i got off and realized that it wasn't the journey which was tough but how tough i became in the journey which really mattered....

the best effect ever created

this photo was clicked by my cousin but the effect was added by me...it's got three crows looking in three different directions...
+
it's the best picture effect ever created by me ..quite cool na...

Almost mac!!!!

this is the new layout of my p.c.!!!

i forgive

i forgive my parents for not being their when i needed them;;
i forgive my bua for secluding me from the rest of my family;;
i forgive these crazy cousins of mine who don't allow me to study;;
i forgive god because he took away everything i liked;;
i forgive this world for it to introduce a term such as democracy;;
i forgive this world to allow u.s.a to rule;;

but i hope all this forgiveness does not make forgive what i need to achieve....

effects

i just created some cool effects with my pics!!!

this one is with little effects

to

here's my resignation..

ta-mun,, i just gave a resignation..thats bbye to ta-mun and gth(go to hell)..

anyways the days have been ending and starting,i've started loosing the sense to differentiate between night and morning. i just gave the shitty ASC test, although i expect a full in physics but never know u might loose them anywhere. but the funny part was i didn't sleep for the aggarwal test to. although the course is huge but probably my inability to sleep at nights anymore is what was the reason.

one really touchy thing happened, as i was driving(ya me driving in the morning with a JAT driver supervising me) i came to this red-light of chirag delhi. i put the car on neutral and then looked on the left side. there were 4 jhopadiya( the one's so small that everything inside it was visible) i looked at the way they were living and as if time froze, i just kept looking at the extreme poverty they were suffering from, the way they lived, everyone say them everyday but no one did anything tio help them, they had no clothes no food, dirty smell of fuel and garbage around them....

and then i said to myself " and i was thinking about leaving this country"

ankit unleashed

after 48 hours of no sleep i finally slept for about 6 hours. but don't worry the fire has not gone of after one nap. but trust me now i know what studying actually means.
the only thing entertaining i find now is dragon ball-z. although they are the same old episodes but probably my probability to predict to what is next, where probability is 1, is what makes is entertaining. anyways one more funny thing is akshay's poem's although i just read 2-3 but man this guy is seriously in love.. but forget it.. i don't have time for all this crap now...

destiny decided

finally, i know the truth,,,

the world says its like being crazy but now it's true..i know it's impossible but i will achieve it..